Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.

I know a bad idea when I see one.

The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.

“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.

Me: Look to my left.

Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?

Me: I don’t like to share.

people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description

My dad asked my mom for an experience instead of a gift for his birthday so she booked him a colonoscopy

“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel

Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.

Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*

processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere

The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”

[fraud trial]

Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?

Defendant: no– they all actually exist

Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*

My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.

Me: this movie sucks

Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!

her: so, what should i do now?
doctor: inform your partner
her: i don’t know if i can face him
doctor: you can write him a note
her: that’s a great idea!

it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance

You are not your own worst enemy.

You have many more enemies.

Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?

Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.

Please, I am begging you.

Stop looking at weird sh*t on your company-issued laptops.

I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.

We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket

one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on

oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer

You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.

Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.

me: he walking like a cold duck
other friend: with his freezin duck ass
another friend: cold duck much??
friend who always ruins the riffing with something serious: guys what side are your appendix on?

“My phone is blowing up!”

*2 unread messages*

Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality

[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”

Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.