I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
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[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
😭😭
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
They should make a drug that recreates the feeling of having your number called earlier than you expected at the DMV.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.