Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Productive conference call?

Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.

FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.

me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”

Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap

{first day in prison}

Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.

My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!

like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?

Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters

This is one of the best videos to ever exist.

If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.

*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”

“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid

me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?

my brain: a hairdryer.

Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids

Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward

Only 99 problems?

Pfft. Amateur.

You probably get this a lot but…

*punches you in the face*

Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.

Husband: my back hurts

Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???

Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.

Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.

Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.

Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…

Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA

HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.

ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.

In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.

The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.

Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep

[On phone with circus]

Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”

Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”

Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”

Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”

Hannibal: *hangs up

This guy in CVS was FaceTime with his girl and she trying to direct him on what pads to get. He was so lost. I heard what she asked for and put it in the phone camera and she says “thank you girl” without even seeing my face 😂😂😂😂😂

Every time I tell my lab puppy to “drop it!” I hope it’s going to be a rock or a Hot Wheels car or a piece of mulch and not a whole live frog like it was last week

[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?

Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes

Boss: We drew those

Me: Another good theory

IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH

I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?

Microwave:
Me: *waves back*