Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper

next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…

cup your hands together until the water overflows.

then look at them and say:

This water is getting out of hand

TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.

Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.

My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.

Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.

5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.

A poet once gave
a pigeon helium, and
invented high coo.

mob boss: i need u take out the rat

[later]

rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for

me: yes it was

rat: what

My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.

I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.

If I ignore life will it go away?

the toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title

Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.

Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?

Her: *Yodels*

🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet

Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-

Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.

The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong

“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.

me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating

publisher: no

me: ok

I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.

Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.

This cat wants you to take your pills

A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?

Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.

Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.

priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?

The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet

Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!

Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!

Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!

Boss:…

*our eyes lock and we kiss*

I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward