I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
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*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
today, on father’s day, i’m thinking about how my dad escaped three wars and worked as a janitor only to see his bloodline die out bc his son discovered menswear forums and spent the next 20 years arguing about pants
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
me: it would be nice if everyone else helped clean this house once in awhile!
everyone else: [cleans]
me: not like that
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match