Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is

FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge

ME: ok

[later]

WAITER: [to date] Ready to-

ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?

“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?

Brought flowers home to wife.

Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”

Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”

doctor: you’re going to di-

me: disney?

doctor: no

ME: I wasn’t invited to the party

FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic

ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone

The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist

I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.

Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.

Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.

Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?

Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.

i’ve had too much coffee

~ amateurs

All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.

My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.

i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread

If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.

[Ouija board]

O spirits, let me talk to m-

C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I

*squints*

What the heck?

A 3G board?

*speed dating*

So which of my teeth is your favorite?

Never forget.

Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?

Me: …

mugger: your money or your life

me: oh you pick

“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank

she has a point

My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.

My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”

You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.

DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.

wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you

[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens

Judge: I’d like to call recess.

Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!

Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.

Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-

“Honey, you’re wrong.”

Brain: I give up.

You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.