I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
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If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang