I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
You Might Also Like
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Who says all the good chemistry jokes argon??
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
🤣could you imagine
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.