I just got a text from the hospital to confirm my appointment and let me know that they were changing it to a virtual visit.
My appointment is for a colonoscopy.
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True?
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Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
there has never been a better use of this meme
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You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Mornin
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Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?