Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.

I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume that he’s either a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again

[blind date]

HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic

ME: Vincent van…go on

Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother

went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …

I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.

You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.

yes hello I’d like to exchange my generational trauma for generational wealth please

I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.

[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”

Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?

Me: Between 8am and 12pm

Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm

If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die

The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”

Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.

Me: Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.

Also me: No, $9.11 does not count.

Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.

oh you like road-trips? name every road then

so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning

Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.

Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.

Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6

Not trying to brag but this cop says my rear end is smoking

Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.

Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo

Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.

It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.

“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.

“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.

My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.