I just got a text from the hospital to confirm my appointment and let me know that they were changing it to a virtual visit.
My appointment is for a colonoscopy.
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Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Had a rough week. Might get bangs later.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
When we’re young we are told that we should trust our elders but my dad used to tell me that there’s a breed of fish that only swims backwards because they want to keep their eyes from getting wet so…
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
I don’t think the person who said “if there were an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters one would create the complete works of Shakespeare” had even a basic understanding of monkey behavior.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
What kind of a cult is this?
