I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
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My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
I have issued a new executive order prohibiting library patrons from telling me how tired I look
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
I trust my car navigation the same way I do the floor arrows in Ikea and If we end up in a lake… so be it