Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door

Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–

Me: *sprays insect repellent*

My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.

She’s eleven.

I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.

If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.

It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??

ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?

Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.

Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait

Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?

Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]

Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”

Ah..makes sense now

3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery

ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?

VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.

ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.

Dog people like dogs

Cat people like cats

Lizard people are lizards

I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.

Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.

When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that

Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!

“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists

You: Where’s Carl?

Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind

You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?

Me: Funny you should ask

ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing

[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!

My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool

Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.

*watching John Wick*

Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me

I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.

*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*

My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions

got too drunk in the vietnamese restaurant last night, they said i can never go back. they banh mi

I came.

I saw.

I lost a banana.

With this onion ring, I thee fed

Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…