I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
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[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
“I’d do okay in prison,” I say, absently wiping down the lid of a soup can because a rat may have scampered across it somewhere in the supply chain
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.