I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
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Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
(watching Simone Biles do 100 flips) I could do that.. for the right paycheck
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s caring too much. And shoplifting
being a latchkey kid was sad but kids who had a parent home to greet them never got to live in that lawless two hours where you could eat something weird and you and your brother could hit each other
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
I enjoy a good horror movie before bed so I can be POSITIVE there is a demon in my closet waiting to possess me.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Danger is very dangerous
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.