I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
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Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
friend: i’m just going to date myself
me: you can do better
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
AWWWW 😍
This is way better than “Live, Laugh, Love.”
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”