I just got an email about a ‘remarkable women contest’ and my head got a little big before the next line hit me with, “Do you know any”
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The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
hi why am I like this
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Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.