I just got an email about a ‘remarkable women contest’ and my head got a little big before the next line hit me with, “Do you know any”
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These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.