I just got an email about a ‘remarkable women contest’ and my head got a little big before the next line hit me with, “Do you know any”
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Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Your honor these allegations are
(finding some nice fresh limbs) nice… these will be perfect for my frankenstein
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
they say if you lose one of your senses the other ones become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day by just looking at them.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
not enough rap songs about your grocery store suddenly changing their layout
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
i want it utterly assaulted.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.