i just got an email from our hr department informing us that, “regrettably”, our office has become “inundated” with raccoons and as of this morning, after an incident where one raccoon fell thru the ceiling, they’ve decided to let us work from home
You Might Also Like
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.