Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.

According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.

I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart

I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.

My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.

Girl on the train complimented me and said I was funny, responded with “thanks, it’s all I have” and the rest of the train gave me a worried look

Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”

[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?

Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*

Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-

*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*

Her *softly* holy shit

Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.

I have so many questions.

what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie

there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse

i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right

Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love

Her: I’m not hungry

Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.

I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups

Student: “May I go to the toilet?”

Teacher: “What for?”

Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”

My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.

He didn’t actually want anything.

I know! Incredible!

Oh and then I fainted.

You’re like a first job.

No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.

I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.

There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:

Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”

I think I’m gonna be sick

me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT

when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour

No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.

Swedish for common sense.

Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap

So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.

alcoholic: you drive me to drink

designated driver: ok