i just got an email from our hr department informing us that, “regrettably”, our office has become “inundated” with raccoons and as of this morning, after an incident where one raccoon fell thru the ceiling, they’ve decided to let us work from home
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Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
A poet once gave
a pigeon helium, and
invented high coo.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.