I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
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My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
A new cook asked the head chef what beer to use for boiling the brats and was told “the worst beer we have.”
But, why sir?
Chef: yes
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
New cyclist: I have a new $3k bike, what else do I need
Bike shop: [pulling out the stupidest looking outfit they can find] this
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
Which wines pair best with gloating?
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
I find it very sad how Wile E. Coyote is only remembered for his failures, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child