Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King

Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite

Me (acing this date):

[prison hospital]

PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?

CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of

PRIEST: …

CHARLES MANSON: …

PRIEST: Do you want a hint?

Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples

Hilarious if literal: arms race

My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.

I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.

by practically any metric, ashley’s first day was going rather poorly

Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell

First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!

Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!

Ok so he just makes this face whenever he meets a president I guess

[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*

I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use

Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!

Me: Pretty good, yours?

Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?

Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?

Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”

History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.

Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019

Choose your fighter!

I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.

As the best book lists of 2021 drop

[Hair Salon]

Stylist: What would you like?

Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.

‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’

~The monster under my bed

My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.

*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*

*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*

Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*

“Okay.”

Cop 1: There’s been another murder

Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging

Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus

Her: So, what is your major?

Him: I study forensics.

Her: Dude, that’s just 10!

Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there

BOSS: your productivity has been low

ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week

BOSS: who?

ME: me

I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete

British people be like “I’m Bri ish” cause they drank the “T”😭