Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!

Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.

WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here

[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down

I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human

Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.

the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes

I can’t wait!

After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.

Oh wait I made them too.

give it to me straight doc what can i do to be healthier besides changing my entire lifestyle.

Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD

5: I miss Mama’s food.

Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.

5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.

Me: oh.

5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.

I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.

CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.

Me: Gross.

8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house

Me: Ok, have fun!

8yo: *Leaves*

Me: *Turns router back on*

Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.

*panic sets in.

Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.

*extreme panic sets in

Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.

Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.

*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck

A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot

[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.

Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.

[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”

[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are

Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.

When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?

them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible

Oh good, I was hoping for a terrifying, fungus-related dystopian nightmare today

Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?

My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.

She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.