I just got an email saying ‘At Google earth we can read maps backwards!’
I thought, “That’s just spam.”
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Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*