Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.

Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.

“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.

My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.

Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…

[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.

My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”

[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!

Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.

Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that

9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?

My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.

Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie

*takes guests to the grocery store*

When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.

It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.

I am a bear.

Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!

Date: 🙂

Fig: 🙁

Prune: bro, lol

If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.

whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro

If the zombie apocalypse happens we’re double screwed because at least 70 million are on record as having no brain

Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.

I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.

Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill

Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now

Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king

Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX

Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.

Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.

A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.

If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.

Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.

-commercial break-

Husband: *silent*

-fight scene-

Husband: *completely and utterly silent*

-quiet dialogue scene-

Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets