I just got an email saying ‘At Google earth we can read maps backwards!’
I thought, “That’s just spam.”
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I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin