Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.

‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body

Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.

Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”

Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”

[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]

[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.

Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.

I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night

Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?

If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s

You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…

[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate

Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’

I’m sorry…

…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.

The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.

People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?

it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands

John Denver: Almost heaven-

Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing

John Denver: -West Virginia

Me: Ok

when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce

Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?

Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog

One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?

Show your work.

My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school

I kid you not.

-Condom wearers

Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school

Pinocchio: WTF, dude?

My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.

just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.

[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy

Zero pick pocket attempts in europe so far. Do my pockets not look abundant? Am I not immersed in the moment? Humiliating.

[interview]

Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?

Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity

Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.