I just got an email that they closed schools tomorrow because of the impending snow storm so I told my 7yo that he if gives me $5 he doesn’t have to go to school tomorrow
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THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.