I just got arrested for felonious mopery
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BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
I like to win arguments by backing over the other person with my car
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Saying “OPEN IMMEDIATELY” on mail is very threatening & that’s why I’ll never do it. Show me some respect.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.