I just got arrested for felonious mopery
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Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
no exceptions
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
File under excellent bookstore names.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
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working on a name for my new business
my buddy says I can’t call it “Guillotines For Billionaires” because it sounds like we’re trying to sell the guillotines to the billionaires, which we are not
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?