I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
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me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
I don’t trust people with less than five french fries under their driver’s seat.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
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ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
😆this is so true
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Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too