I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
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[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Bootstraps
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
The only thing stopping cheesecake from being a breakfast food is you.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
Peace was never an option
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.