I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
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Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”