I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
You Might Also Like
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?
Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT