I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
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If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
can’t wait til they legalize outside
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
“you recording!?”
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.