[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
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I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
[cops knock on my door]
“Who said that then?”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Me: [getting stabbed by criminal] buddy this seems illegal
MOM: You give that back to him, mister
ME: Ok mom
MOM: and what do we say now?
ME: *climbing off unicycle* sorry I tried to steal your girl
For #ValentinesDay2020 here’s what is considered to be the world’s oldest love poem, ‘The Caveman’s Lament’.
It is believed to have been written around 1.5 million years ago by a member of the early human species, homo unrequitus.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]