I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
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If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.