“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
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[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Me, to my Greek aunt: Want to come over for dinner?
Her: No, thanks.
Me, to the same aunt: We have nothing to eat. Want to help us make dinner?
Her: On my way. I’ll be stopping at four stores to pick up ingredients. Set oven to 450. I’ll bring my own cooking utensils.
Me:🤦🏻♂️
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
You can now get 100% accurate weather information direct to your smartphone. Simply open the camera app, take a picture of the sky then look at the image.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
If practice makes perfect then I should really know what to do with my arms by now, when trying to sleep
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.