“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
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Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
How do you like your Corgi?
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
I went from rags to one rag.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
wait.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.