“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
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“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
what’s in a name?
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Class: you want us to what
Super Mario, water aerobics instructor: eat the mushroom, swim up and punch the bricks, itsa so easy
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
People reporting the royal family to the police for living suspiciously lavish lives without a job or any work to show for it is exactly what I needed to hear today!😂🤣😂😅🤣🙊🤭😂😂🤣😅🤣😂😅🥲🤣😂😅🤭🙊🥲🤣🤣😂👏👏👏👏
#Grifters
#AbolishTheMonarchy
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
in HS I wanted to break up with a guy but figured it would leave fewer feelings hurt if I got the guy to break up with me. so invited him to sacrifice goats to the devil with me. took a whole 3 days before he finally said “we should talk” and I was like “I certainly hope so”
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.