I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
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Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
host: name a famous tattoo artist
me: *buzzing in* abraham inkin
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
The way this guy who wants today’s newspaper is low-key gonna find the guy in the branch who currently has today’s newspaper even if he has to search every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse to do it
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.