I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
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Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
the simulation is moving too fast
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Needing to stretch is so funny. Your body is like “ughhhh make me longer!”
don’t ask me for pet advice. my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be carried, won’t walk.”
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!