wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
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I always rode clean. Always. Never won any bike races. Never competed. Don’t even really know how to ride a bike. #vindicated
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish