@BradBroaddus

I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.

You Might Also Like

@iwearaonesie

wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep

@michaelianblack

I always rode clean. Always. Never won any bike races. Never competed. Don’t even really know how to ride a bike. #vindicated

@whatmaddness

Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair

@ClichedOut

[blind date]

HER: I love classic rock.

ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.

@daemonic3

“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”

– Diet ads for Cannibals

@Parkerlawyer

Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”

Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”

@TweetsByKaylee

[heaven]

god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.

cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish