I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
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Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah