Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”

[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”

Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.

[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”

Haha no, he went to Disney World.

TWITTER

2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral

2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable

2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater

2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools

6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?

Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?

6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.

“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”

My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.

The best shot in the history of golf

Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”

Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”

If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.

I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up

[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors

These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.

Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.

Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.

Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.

A ghost story

Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.

toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*

Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.

Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!

Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?

Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.

Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.

[god creating seahorses]

angel: any more ideas for animals?

god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim

“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.

*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*

Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.

Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.

my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full

me, carrying 8 grocery bags:

I propose we rename our seasons:

• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit

due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.

Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.

Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-

Wife: plant’s dead.

Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-

Wife: i’m pregnant.

Me: this is fine.