Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*

Psych meds aren’t enough anymore. Hit me with a shovel.

I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.

I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.

Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”

Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.

Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?

13-year-old: Not that I remember.

Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?

13: I’d rather not.

Not my fault if the kids give up too soon

2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’

Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.

[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?

Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.

My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back

There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.

H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!

‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.

I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.

nurse: name?

me: david

nurse: age?

me: 35

nurse: sex?

me: almost once

Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.

Shout out to Yamaha for being like, “Here’s a motorcycle. Also, here’s a good as shit piano

I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.

If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.

Stop everything. Everybody shut up

There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no

Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”

She asked “Which one?”

Me “William, HELLO!”

Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳

Forget first names. We should just name storms after specific people. If you told me “Jane Ellen Green” (my former trigonometry teacher in high school) was headed my way, I’d be terrified & take immediate cover

I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.

[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]

You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.

When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:

*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention

*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going

*someone dropped a penny