I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
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British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!