Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved

It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!

[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!

This looks nothing like what I ordered…

WTF is this????

If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.

Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.

imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes

Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.

They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.

Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.

Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!

*Starts doing laundry*

I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game

Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.

To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …

Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!

SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.

Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately

Me: Really?

5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for

Me: omg

HER: what’s with all the finger pointing

ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition

Everyone is awful in their own special way.

Nothing flies faster than the ketchup out of the bottle when you only want a little.

Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.

All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt

I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.

I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.

My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car

Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.

Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man

“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian

“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*

This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.

we must combat the global scourge of underage baking