Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces

My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”

I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.

I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.

If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,

OH GOD WHY?!?

when your pet decides to sleep on your bed

So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.

Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”

[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]

“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say

[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]

If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.

Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.

Judge: you’ve been charged with assault

Batman: you mean battery

Judge: no it was physical assault

Batman: *whispers* batsault

The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.

Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.

Got fired as a detective.

I have no clue why

my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.

Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas

I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed

When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.

Or so I’ve been told.

Twice now.

one last job

[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*

So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.

Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”

I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years

Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together

Me: That’s not true

H: Wanna go hiking

M: I don’t like your tone

I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?

teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle

me: that thing with the harp and wings

teacher: never mind

Me: My son totaled another car.

Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?

M: yes

P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!

M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?

[Chopped episode]

“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”

Me *opening Oreos*

“Clock hasn’t started.”

Me: There’s cookies.

“Those are for your dish.”

Me *munching*
There’s cookies.