Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shout out to my kids.

BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.

ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail

This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane

Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”

*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*

Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts

Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts

*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*

Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.

Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.

Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!

There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”

Whoa 😂

professor x: what’s your superpower

me: I make text look like faces

professor XD : what?

[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]

Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.

*crowd gasps

“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters

O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.

Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.

My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.

Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this

I can’t work out if the pilot taxiing towards the terminal window is doing a huge yawn or his brakes have failed.

Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.

i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives

Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.

You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.

[robbing a bank]

accomplice: nice pantyhose

me: thanks

accomplice: on your face next time tho ok

The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.

You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.

Them: what kind of friend are you?
Me: idk Phoebe maybe

[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you

[after dinner]

Me: I can’t eat another bite.

Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*

Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?