Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.

Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.

im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat

escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single

Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym

So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?

Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.

Me: Isn’t it fun?

The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)

Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no

I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English

Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!

Priest: This is communion…

M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-

P: Leave.

Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*

Friend: How’s the new job?

Me: Can’t complain

Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?

Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain

Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!

I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.

Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…

This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it

*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?

Friend: What’s your favourite season?

Me: Of which show?

Friend: 😐

Me: 😶

Friend: 😕

Me: 😐

Me: 👀💭

Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.

A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.

*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*

Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.

Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.

SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.

Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once

Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?

*Laughs in 2020*

Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.

Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.