I just got lied to by 3557 people. That recipe was awful.
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Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
Sure. Why not?
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
I always tell my pets I love them more than the Atlantic so they can better understand the immensity.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Liquor Store Parking
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
new record!
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Jazz enthusiast: It’s really about the notes they DON’T play.
Me, trying to impress him: Yeah I’m constantly not playing notes. I’m actually not playing notes right now even.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest