Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open

Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??

You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?

That’s the whole month of January for me

Now this is how you LinkedIn

Me munching on an apple: Why is it every time I go to the theater I get stuck behind the lady with the fruit hat?

RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.

My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.

Answers phone, makes modem noises…

Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.

Me irl

Me: what is my final challenge

*dragon appears*

Me: oh no

Dragon: spell necessary

Me: OH NO

things a whale might end an email with:

-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krill

things a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:

-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you

*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*

Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything

I need to get organized and plan ahead

*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey

The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.

When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.

From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.

I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.

My rose versus your carnation.

FLORAL COMBAT!

4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.

[Mom group]

New mom: My six-month-old is teething.

My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.

“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”

“I have none.”

“I don’t believe that.”

“It’s true, I have no friends.”

#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe

Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.

i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”

Me: How was school?

Toddler: Candice has a different mom.

Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.

*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*

Han Solo: Who are you?

Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.

i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community

Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.

Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.

*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*