Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.

Him: Do you swallow?

Me: Every time I chew.

INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?

ME: ʸᵉˢ

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers

My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.

Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.

[rap battle]

Opponent: *crushes it*

Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*

“Eat right and exercise?!?…

I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”

friend: let’s meet up soon

me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though

Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!

I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”

my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.

Therapist: what’s upsetting you?

Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly

Me: cry me a table, Linda

Foolishly set my YouTube account up on the main house TV. Now she knows what I’m watching. Not a problem, but she also saw my own vids about restoring a land rover and how much its costing. Now I’m in trouble.

OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.

What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.

u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad

The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.

*reaches for the stars*

Stars: I have a boyfriend

[creation of kangaroo]

God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack

Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*

God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha

Angel: again with this shit

Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.

What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”

Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”

NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.

Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.

At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.

Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.

[explaining fingernails to an alien]

ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.

ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.

That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.

There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.

Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.