Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.

Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.

Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:

1. A gas pedal

Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*

Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?

Me: Between 8am and 12pm

Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm

“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.

Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.

if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?

The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.

[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.

Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.

I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …

I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.

Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.

[hospital]

me: what happened

doctor: you were in a terrible car accident

me: am i going to be ok

doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard

A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:

She has her umbrella.
She has her period.

I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion

My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard. 

Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.

[camping]

Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?

Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.

I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.

This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.

And whats Beth short for? he asked.

Because shes only three. I answered.

[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!

Son: Aw I wanted candy

Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading

Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.

I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.

Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.

me: will i go to jail in the future

psychic: no

me: gimme your wallet and empty the register

her: i love bad boys

me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am

My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.

Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back

I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.

Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…

Therapist: Is this true?

Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.