I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
You Might Also Like
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”