Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*

HER: excuse me, do you mind?

ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking

Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me

Me: OMG just get in the shower

I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.

I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.

I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.

[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth

I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.

I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.

If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.

therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?

Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.

Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?

Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it

EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented

It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE

Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin

Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car

Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.

Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.

me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?

woman holding urn full of ashes:

When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.

Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression

Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-

Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE

is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb

Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!

Me:

I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume that he’s either a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again

I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city

Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.

Millennials: we share all of our feelings.

Gen X: feelings?

ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?

Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.

Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.

[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME