I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
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I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.