ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
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Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
actually im ok with this
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
I don’t see enough dead people.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol