@NintenDom

I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.

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@caliluvgirl77

Grabs intercom:

ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS

@That_Damn_Duck

At McDonalds

Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them

Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap

@duumb

me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money

@SabineDurrant

So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.

@Try2StopME

She: “I am expecting…”

Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”

She: “…someone at 3.”

@thinkingparsnip

*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS

@PaperWash

me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]

robber: why are u wearing a glove

me: I meant to grab my bat lol

robber: lol