I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
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Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
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me when the borders lift
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I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
Pro tip- stick AirTags on your kids before you hit up the corn maze this year and you can drink spiked cider in peace.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come