We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
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Make your daily standup meeting shorter
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.