Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.

ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.

WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.

[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that

Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’

Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’

Him: I’m drowning in bills

Me: You should sign up for paperless

Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit

People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.

I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius

Cherry seeds are just the pits.

Maybe your dog is barking at my luggage because he doesn’t enjoy his job, officer.

One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.

Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection

Me: the light was green

Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad

It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft

Hear me out: his and hers houses.

Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.

Choose your seat? $10 fee

Check a bag? $30 fee

Want a pilot? $50 fee

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot

Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster

God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human

Jesus: Can I drink?

God: Yes

Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?

God: No

Jesus: Can I have a man cave?

God: Eventually *winks at angel*

The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.

Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.

Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.

the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it

“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner

A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.

I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.

“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”

“Gun”

him: what did you do all day?

*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*

Me: it’s a purrrramid!

What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?

Deceased

Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”

Had to submit an essay, in order to graduate. It was a write of passage.

“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”

Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…