Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: where were u last nite

ME: *turns on airplane mode*

HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???

‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’

‘Sure, just hold the butter.’

Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?

Catercrombie & Fish

idk what he going thru but i feel him

[Chocolate Cake 101]

Sober: Use a fork

Stoned: Use your fingers

Drunk: Use your face

I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.

The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…

Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!

Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!

Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.

Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with

BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired

My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.

I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…

Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”

If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?

You go home because it’s your favorite one being used

Math is easy

Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist

How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?

My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.

I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.

The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”

Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile

8: what did he do?

Ex: what do you think he did?

8: he drove while drinking

Ex: yes

8: AGAIN?!

If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified

They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.

If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.

My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?

A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.

[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat