Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.

back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to

yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁

The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.

Ah, 50s…you just keep on giving.

Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.

How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???

And now…a ‘joke’.

Why was the demon in hospital?

It was having its GHOULbladder removed…*coughs*

Paranormal investigator: “Who’s there?”

Gen X ghost: “Your mom.”

“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”

-People

there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it

“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”

I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.

Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.

amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming

10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22

– Parallel parking my time machine

Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…

[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?

I need to get organized and plan ahead

*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey

everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.

Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.

I deserve chocolate. I just deleted a comment on Facebook that would’ve led to a political fight.

God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too

The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.

[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.

There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:

Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.

There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣

My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step

Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?

Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!