Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off

“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”

My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.

I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.

(Showing off new car)

Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?

Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one

Why is no one talking about this?!

One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt

My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.

friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”

me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”

Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.

No one is more surprised than my kids every night when i say it’s bed time.

I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.

People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.

me when my friends ask me to look after their kids

*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice

That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.

“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”

Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.

They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..

….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up

My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.

Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.

I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.

Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.

Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor

[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]

Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”

Her: Says who?

Me: Sesame

we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too

I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda

my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN

Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries

Cable guy:

This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.