muppets cannot die and nobody else seems to be worried about this
I just got smiled at by a lovely cashier who has plenty of teeth, but clearly only brushes her favorites.
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“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?