@bfrosty04

I just got smiled at by a lovely cashier who has plenty of teeth, but clearly only brushes her favorites.

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@fart

muppets cannot die and nobody else seems to be worried about this

@Tommytoughstuff

“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”

@Matt_The_1st

Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house

@AimeeHelene1

*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*

@TheNardvark

I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”

@HrBry

“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman

@timdonakowski

Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.

@Reverend_Scott

Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*

@JohnLyonTweets

Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!

*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*

*orders some*

@Weird_Rash

Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?