Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.

[trying to impress a girl]

Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*

Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti

Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that

Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.

Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.

*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*

Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?

When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”

If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”

Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.

[creating seahorses]

God: give em little horsey faces

Angel: aww cute

God: fish lookin bodies

Angel: ok…wait, really?

God: curly-cue tails lol

Angel: this is confusing

God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch

Angel:

God: POP

always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”

Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone

workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them

Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?

Me: living

Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.

So, just me? Okay.

I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.

i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely

Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.

Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…

Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism

I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters

NORMALIZE WORKPLACE HAMMOCKS

Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.

My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂

saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs

My gf wouldn’t see the last Batman movie with me until we’d had our eighth restaurant date

Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Batman

Pretty certain I can more drunk

Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse

Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you

Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ

Me: I’ll be home a little late today.

Son: Why?

Me: Two of our coworkers are leaving the company, so we are all getting together to celebrate.

Son: Wow, you guys must have really hated them.

Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.