I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
You Might Also Like
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
LOOOOOOL
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
batter: *hits homer*
Simpson: ow
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know