I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
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I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
My blood type is coffee.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable