Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad

I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.

[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next

My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.

I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.

Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok

[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either

There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.

[watching This Is Us]

*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.

is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner

Exhausted Parent PSA-

The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.

I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.

Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.

I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.

I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.

I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx

Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can

A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”

1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”

Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.

Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.

Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?

40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.

Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.

My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.

Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet

My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day

Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased

I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,

“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”

It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.

Try and stop me.

House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial