Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”

devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat

Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.

Me: Do the thing.

Nurse:

Me:

Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*

me:

Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!

my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.

Me when they’re trying to close the buffet

“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.

That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us

*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU

[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]

Seriously, soup?

If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.

My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.

Him: So tell me something about yourself.

Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.

Him: What?

Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.

Napped wrong, so if you need me, I’ll be turning at the waist to look around like I’m 1989 Batman.

the way this pissed me off… 😭

Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.

technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting

“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints

[Kid Training Headquarters]

Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS

And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”

I’m sick of everybody in this house.

-me, who lives alone.

Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.

Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.

I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.

WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?

ME: [current world hula champion] You can try

WORST THINGS ABOUT NOT BEING A DENTIST

4. Nobody asks me for my opinion about teeth
3. No idea where to buy a denist’s chair if I ever need one
2. Am not treated as an equal in the dentist community
1. Constantly being overlooked for the prestigious Dentist of the Year Award

AM I BEING GASLIT????

why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?

– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.

My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.