Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.

What they say: a glass of wine won’t fix your problems

What I hear: better have the whole bottle then

wife: look our baby can stand up

baby: what’s the deal with airplane food

[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]

Me: I’ll take it.

Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.

Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…

Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker

[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck

Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.

Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?

I gave up going to work for lent.

Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.

I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.

Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?

I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’

*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.

Stop sending me this shit.

This guy blowing through stop signs to get to church on time must be pious as hell.

i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch

Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?

Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry

Husband made a meme about our baby’s reaction every time he sees the cat

When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.

You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.

The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned

Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily

The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.

this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa

[day 8 of quarantine]

me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time

monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here

me:

monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again

monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here

FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?

ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.

Computer: Choose a password.

Me: 9Df6akt86lpd

Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.