Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.

As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.

EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol

Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.

*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late

*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early

funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings

Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?

A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.

God: you’re an amphibian.

Frog: what does that mean?

God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.

Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?

God: no that’s not what I-

Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.

i know that the frontal lobe is not developed before age 25 because i got married when i was 24 and decided to get my first ever spray tan spontaneously on the day of my wedding.

Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.

[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think

That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.

Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.

I hear you like horror movies

You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off

*winks forever*

[neighborhood meeting]

Me: This is an outrage!

Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–

Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.

Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?

people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.

cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town

me: but if you were, what bus would you take

I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound

I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life

How to cure a headache

1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.

*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture

I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.

*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel

Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.

McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?

Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?

McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again