Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.

At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners

Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?

Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.

[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]

*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go

[2 seconds later]

*lets go*

Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil

We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.

*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*

I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.

John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!

Anybody: I’d be happy to—

John Lennon: Not just anybody!

Anybody: Okay then.

[throws salad into a garden]

Go home boy…you’re free now.

I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints

[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him

Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.

Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.

Me: Really?

Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.

Me: What?!

Mom: He’s an alcoholic.

Me: I don’t think…

Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.

Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.

“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.

[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat

“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.

I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.

Him: I’m an English teacher

Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes

*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again

Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.

“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out

My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.

Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working

[Bedroom]

Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that

Her: Sure you do

Him: Time me *holds breath again*

4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …

6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …

Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?

Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.

White clothes: lol same.

[in my bedroom]

Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*

Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?

Me: I just told you

Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..

..

..

..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!