Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.

“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.

why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)

screw you

Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons

[company all-hands Zoom call]

CEO: The future is ahead of us!

Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.

LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea

Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:

Him: The best part of my day was-

Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?

Him: Watching TV.

Me: Oh, ok.

Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!

Me: yeah???

Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.

I want a president who promises no jobs. I don’t want to have a job

GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets

ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.

*violence noises

Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?

Pet Store: Aluminum I think

Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?

Pet Store: Don’t you dare!

Me: It’s a nickleless cage

Pet Store: GET OUT!

cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????

Give a man a fish, he eats today.

Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.

Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.

[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry

This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.

BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday

[1 a.m. thursday night]

ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped

I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket

You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.

I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.

Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight

Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-

Me: *inhales*

Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers

Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.

I’m not average. I’m mean.

6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.

7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?

Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives

Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.

Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.

welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.

Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.

Her: How old is he?

Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….