Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one :

Me when I swimming :

Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.

Court starts Monday.

I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.

I saw a woman dressed like this today and I knew I had to draw her

What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?

If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.

The answer is “Nun of the Above”.

lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup

I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.

Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…

Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go

[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]

Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”

My dog just puked on the floor.

5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!

I like the way this kid thinks!

Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.

Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle

Me: omg they’re perfect

Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!

Me: haha and what does she do

Pixar:

Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure

Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?

– Beaver

All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.

random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body

CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner

ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–

*goose with a badge waddles in*

ME: okay but i’m driving this time

imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.

Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”

RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed

Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.

[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”

DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow

T-REX: oh great

i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.

Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.

Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.

“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”

*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*

Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.