Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

can’t wait til they legalize outside

she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza

her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much

me: *points at coffin* well not everyone

A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested

Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?

I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”

Accidentally asking a complete stranger what they fancy for dinner, as your partner’s quietly wandered off to a different part of the supermarket

“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch

Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best

Him: I’m really into clean eating.

Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.

My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.

In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.

In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.

I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:

1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home

What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.

the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit

Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*

If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.

Thinking about the time my 2 yr old unbuckled his seatbelt and stood up to wave at a passing cop. I got a ticket and my 2 yr old got a sticker recruiting him to be a police officer.

mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?

-my 7 year old making the best of her public education

Optimist: The cup is half full.

Pessimist: The cup is half empty.

Taxidermist: The cup was empty, but I stuffed it full again.

Bigamist: I think this is Rachel’s cup. Or Amy’s. Maybe Susan’s?

Alarmist: Someone drank out of my cup! Watch out for thirsty burglars, people!

Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?

Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.

🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶

Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’

Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’

Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘

Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’

So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.

*washing car*

Neighbor: “You washing your car?”

Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”

I’m single and proud of it!

* Flips hair
* Trips over cat

if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school

I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.

me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*

therapist: ok what was that all about